CALIFORNIA – Blizzard Entertainment have confirmed that their new World of Warcraft expansion has broken a long-standing sales record to become the fastest selling addictive substance since the crack epidemic of 1984. World of Warcraft Cataclysm sold 3.3 million copies on it’s December 7th release, beating comparable sales of the smokeable form of cocaine, heroine and crystal meth combined.
The feat is especially remarkable considering the upfront cost of $100 per gram of crack rock, compared to the $13 monthly cost of a World of Warcraft subscription, although both have the same recurring cost of long term crippling addiction.
‘Bigger than crack ever was’
The record breaking figures have lead drug dealers to change their sales strategy in a bid to hook millions of addicts including those who had gone ‘cold turkey’ and sworn off their profiles months ago.
“Business is bananas right now B,” said Keith, a notorious dealer and level 75 Paladin. “I tried cutting up the dope with Ecstasy, uppers, downers and paprika to boost sales. But nothing moved weight faster than when I started giving away copies of this game and a three month free trial.”
Indeed, a survey has even demonstrated a dramatic and ‘disproportionately positive’ increase in the sale of traditional narcotics when bundled with copies of Cataclysm, although the study was cut short after both members of the research team began suffering severe withdrawal symptoms as a result of being away from their level 80 Dwarf and 83 Blood Elf for more than seven days.
WoW epidemic
Narcotics enforcement agent Paul Finchelli, a junior during the ‘dark days’ of the crack epidemic of the ’80s, expressed concerns over the lethal combination created when a new expansion for WoW is added to a monthly subscription to what is already a highly addictive substance. With over 12 million dependants, he admits that present day law enforcement may be powerless to stop it taking over internet cafes the world over.
Perhaps the most devastating is the effect on children as continues turning normal, well-adjusted teens into sunlight adverse, teabagging recluses. The result of a recent 36 hour WoW binge left one mother asking why her son “couldn’t just use the internet for porn like a normal kid.”
“I saw mothers sell their babies for just an ounce [of crack cocaine],” recalls Finchelli. “But this…My God. The best we can do is help those coping with addiction by weaning them off the game with Dungeons and Dragons.”
WoW is not an epedemic. I didn’t see any of this shit when Black Ops was released. I watched as people ran off the bus to play Black Ops at home, none of that happened with WoW. This is what makes WoW and it’s players have such a bad reputation. please stfu.
my sister plays WOW non stop I interduced her to it and she has been trying to download it from the main server to her new mac but it crashes all the time. Maybe WOW hates mac’s Any idea it’s the new macbook pro aswell