WHOVILLE – A recently commissioned 1000 page study has concluded that the Grinch is losing the War on Christmas ‘in a major way’.
The part-cat part-vegetable stalk has been fighting a seemingly never-ending campaign to prevent the spread of Christmas Spirit, but over half a century later finds himself still mired down in a long, drawn out conflict with no end in sight.
Most damning were figures that suggested there were now “over two billion people actively participating in Christmas related activities every year.”
In a quagmire
“It’s no shock to say the Grinch has failed to stop this thing,” said festive analyst Larry McKay, set to have what he described as his best Christmas ever.
“It’s now so popular even atheists are celebrating it. The Grinch is fighting a war he cannot win and it’s about time he realised that.”
The Grinch began the war on Christmas when he launched an unsanctioned ground assault on the residents of Whoville, stealing presents and holiday hams in nightly raids staged from his based on top of Mount Crumpit.
Mr McKay felt the Grinch’s first mistake was that “he had no real idea what he was getting himself into.”
He explained that “this was never just a Whoville problem” and the Grinch is now attempting to “stamp out Christmas in far-flung corners of the globe where he has no support and no chance of convincing local people to stop participating in a holiday where people are trained to eat as much as they wanted.”
‘Should have invaded Kwanzaa’
Outdated tactics are another failing attributed to his campaign in a war that had moved on drastically since the ‘50s.
“Christmas supporters are able to recruit through the internet and this guy is still dressing up as Santa and stealing presents one by one. That may have worked in 1957, but it’s a wholly ineffective strategy in today’s world.”
“And he still hasn’t tracked down Jesus. As long as He’s out there, people will look to him and continue to fight…and buy presents.”
The Grinch, rejected the report as ‘Christmas propaganda’ and vowed to continue ‘until the objective was complete’, rhetoric that Mr McKay believed was just another symptom of someone who has long lost his grip on the situation.
“His heart may be two sizes too small, but his grip on reality is half of that if he thinks he can win the War on Christmas.”
Leave a Reply