VATICAN – In a marketing initiative sent from above, Trojan – manufacturer of Magnum brand condoms – have announced a partnership with the Roman Catholic Church that will see Pope Benedict XVI become the face of a new line of latex condoms.
The Vatican confirmed the collaboration between the maker of Magnums and the Pontiff after his shift in stance over the use of contraception opened the door to a long-term lucrative marketing strategy.
The partnership, thought to be worth a free pass come the rapture, will see the launch of a special line of flavoured Magnums inspired by each of the seven deadly sins ‘for when you need to be absolutely infallible in bed’.
‘Heaven in a box’
The product is being internally described as the most omnipotently potent stimulus package since the Holy Spirit came within five feet of the Virgin Mary.
Speaking at a rally against same-sex anything, the Pope said: “You can please your partner and put the fear of God into her at the same time.”
The Pope had previously rejected the use of condoms, flavoured or otherwise, as interfering with the divine potential for creating life.
Sources close to him say he now recognises their divine potential to ‘keep the bedroom rocking’, admitting that while their use to prevent HIV was responsible, the use of Trojans to please your partner could only be described as an act of God.
The head of marketing for the new Divine Intervention Magnums, Gregory Isner, believed the company’s Papal condoms would make a killing in Africa, something being achieved by the current market leader: AIDS.
“Sure, AIDS has a lot of ground on us, and their marketing spreads so effectively,” admitted Isner. “But having the Pope’s face on the box is the next best thing to having Jesus in your marketing department.”
Holy Campaign
The deal would also see Trojan products handed out during both Christmas and Easter sermons.
“We’re looking at a complete 360 campaign” explained Vatican representative Father Federico Lombardi, who expected the Trojan line of extra-large condom shaped like the Pope’s mitre hat to be released in the coming months.
“Pope Benedict has told me this is just the first step of a multi-stage marketing blitz, we’re now taking into consideration the pleasure of another with whom you have a relationship.”
“This is if it is a woman, a man or choir boy.” he added.
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