WASHINGTON – Internal US military statistics have shown that American and allied forces are running ‘dangerously low’ on civilians to blow up in Afghanistan.
The greater use of attack helicopters and unmanned drones have led to more accidental deaths than a Hollywood prescription drug habit, with 160 fatalities in 2010, up from 144 by this time last year.
Civilians are crucial to any invading force as they provide a constant reminder that their weapons still work and the dwindling number of innocent bystanders has now become a genuine concern for officials on the ground.
Defense Secretary Robert Gates warned that troops could be looking at a great civilian shortage by 2035, a time when America is expected to be ‘at least’ half way to discovering why they are still in the country.
Non-renewable resource
“If we’re going to be here for another 100 years, we need to start rationing civilians because they don’t grow on trees,” said General David Petraeus.
“We’re getting through about 50 a day, if we don’t do something to replenish the stock we’ll run out of Afghani cannon fodder real soon.”
The federal government first identified human life as a possible finite resource when they invaded in 2001 and started killing people, realising shortly that they stayed dead.
Sexual healing
Instead, officials on the ground are looking at ways to conserve civilian numbers by introducing some sort of tax or at least some semblance of accountability. Military leaders are also exploring ways to get the population to reproduce at a faster rate, leading to oysters, viagra and Marvin Gaye albums being imported in large amounts.
With time ruining out, General Petraeus admitted that they may still blow through the country’s entire supply of civilians ‘in mere months’, at which point analysts say they will have to find another country to invade, or just start shooting bad guys.
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