NEW YORK – Carl Paladino, Republican nominee for the New York gubernatorial elections, has released a ‘short but graphic’ sex tape to prove to voters that he is definitely not gay. The tape, under two minutes in length, shows Paladino with what he later confirmed to be a high-class prostitute from an exclusive Manhattan street corner. The pair are seen to be engaging in sexual conduct for approximately 46 seconds at which point a female voice is heard screaming “Okay okay, that’s enough!” The tape abruptly ends soon after.
Political analysts are said to have been ‘surprised’ by the former businessman and current bestiality connoisseur’s unconventional last minute push to gain the support of Republican voters.
‘I’m not over compensating’
“It’s certainly different,” admitted Fox & Friends co-anchor Gretchen Carlson. “I mean, we knew he wasn’t gay, all he ever talked about is how disgusting homosexuality is. Anyone who focuses on it that much must be utterly comfortable with themselves as a person. But it’s nice of him to clarify.”
Pimps close to the woman featured in the tape refused to give her name, but said she felt used, exploited and embarrassed by the ordeal and wished to be left alone, ‘but not for too long as her shift starts soon’.
Appealing to his base
Mr Paladino, surely aware of past incidents involving Republicans straying drastically from their anti-gay stances by later performing pro-gay actions, felt confident the tape will leave voters with no doubt that he is a straight man.
Speaking at a press gathering where he played the tape on loop to fill his allotted 20 minute slot, he said: “I don’t want any scandal here, not this close voting. I’m straight…Just look at me go.”
The move could yet prove to be a masterstroke, as early indications show voters responding positively to the tape which helps tick the two most crucial boxes for any potential Republican voters: not gay and not Democrat. “This definitely lays to rest my biggest concerns” said a previously undecided supporter. “The tape is a little short, but the message is very clear…he’s got my vote.”
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