ENGLAND – Hundreds of Liberal Democrat parliamentary candidates are set to launch a country-wide search for deputy PM Nick Clegg’s spine.
The party members have been concerned with the health of Mr Clegg since he joined the coalition government, and will start looking for their leader’s backbone which has been missing since folding on his pre-election pledge to cap tuition fees.
The spine, also known as the vertebral column, is critical for supporting the weight of the head and provides structure to the body as well as giving the ability to maintain integrity under pressure.
Anatomically incorrect
Lib Dem candidate Derek Deedman has lead calls for Nick Clegg to make a stand for tuition fees and was surprised to discover the deputy PM was missing the vital organ needed to do so, saying: “Honestly, I don’t know how he survived this long without it.”
Worried candidates plan to attach photographs of Clegg’s spine on lampposts and milk cartons with the promised reward of ‘an affordable future’ should it be returned to it’s rightful owner.
“Nick’s spine is out there somewhere dammit, and we need to find it. Who knows how much time he has before his body can no longer support it’s own weight.”
As pressure continues to mount on Clegg’s pelvis, the search will also involve a number of students also concerned over the location of his spine. “We voted for Nick Clegg on the assumption he had all his vital organs in place so it’s imperative we find his spine, dust it down and shove in his back where it belongs. Maybe then I’ll be able to afford to go to university.”
Medical wonder
The party added that the stance was ‘not a rebellion’, they are just concerned that the man leading the party could literally fold up at any time like something out of a Tom and Jerry cartoon.
However, Nick Clegg told this network that he was growing more ‘comfortable’ without a spine, claiming that he felt it wasn’t essential to living.
Doctors held hope that they would still be able to attach Mr Clegg’s spine, despite going 201 days without one. “Well, it is unprecedented to reattach a spine that has been outside the body for so long,” cautioned renowned back surgeon David Clarke MD.
“Having said that, it’s equally unprecedented for a man to go this long with no backbone, so who is to say what is medically possible anymore.”
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