LOS ANGELES – Record executives have called on a number of their most famous artists to consider dying as a way to boost flagging CD album sales.
The suggestion comes as figures published by Forbes showed Micheal Jackson had become the top selling music artist of the year. A status achieved only after taking the plunge into the afterlife.
This strategy has been long pioneered by EMI, who have seemingly been trying to die for years.
The record industry has witnessed sales slide alarmingly since consumers embraced digital music, prompting executives from Universal, Sony and Warner to urge their talent to start showing ‘real commitment’ if they wished to tap into the lucrative opportunities afforded to those with no pulse.
The late king of pop earned more in the last year than Lady Gaga, Madonna and Jay-Z, combined. Forbes writer Lacey Rose said: “If other artists are serious about maximising their long term earning potential I would seriously consider a toaster and a warm bath.”
Seriously underground
Jackson was 50 when he died and with many of today top stars in their 30’s Interscope Records’ Jimmy Iovine believes now represents the ideal time to cash in on death. “If a lot of these stars kicked the bucket today, they’d have at least 10 years on Micheal.”
“Lady Gaga is hot right now, but just think how much hotter she’d be if her body temperature was at zero. Really hot.”
This could be the only option left for an industry desperately searching for ways to boost sales ideally by selling the same music over and over again. The former boss of Warner Music UK, Rob Dickins agrees that “death could be the light at the end of the tunnel…it’s either that or embrace a new business model that makes music cheap and convenient to access.”
Industry lifeline
As the race to reach platinum looks set to be replaced by the race to reach a coffin, the best approach remains up for debate. Industry experts recommend fast and dramatic to gain the most sales, an approach that differs from the currently favoured, but much slower option of music celebrity death: years of chronic drug abuse.
For artists who, despite the evidence presented, reject death as a viable business model, Mr Iovine feels they too can be catered for, suggesting that “if you don’t like coffins you could always just fake it.”
“It’s working well for Tupac.”
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