ENGLAND – It has emerged that George Osborne will cut nap time in all UK nurseries ‘indefinitely’ as part of the UK spending review. The freeze on ‘sleepy time’ appears to be among the harshest in what is being described as the most brutal attack on children since free milk was abolished by Margret Thatcher in 1971.
Speaking on Children’s BBC this morning, the chancellor defended the measures explaining that the decision was taken to reduce excessive waste in the playschool curriculum. “I’ve run the numbers, and these kids are spending an hour a day just napping…that time would be much better spent producing more macaroni artwork or something.”
Those affected were said to be ‘speechless’ at the news a are thought to remain so at least until they learn to form conjunctive adverbs. Indeed, many nursery children reacted by staring blankly and drooling, a sure sign of the dissatisfaction felt over the destruction of the most treasured period outside of finger painting time.
However, Mr Osborne did inexplicably ring-fence the milk and cookie budget in the same review, likely fearing that such a move would have seen a repeat of recent violent scenes in Greece across UK nurseries.
Cruel and unusual
It’s estimated that the cut will lead to the loss of millions of hours of sleep amongst the 1-3 demographic, hitting the heaviest sleepers harder with the Treasury’s own figures showing that the drowsiest 10% of pre-schoolers would suffer more than everyone including the lightest 10% of nursery goers who would still be able to catch a few winks in the baby seat on the drive home.
Though no violence was reported, crowds of nappy-clad demonstrators accompanied by designated child-minders still gathered outside Downing Street in protest against the future loss of sleep, which the Smiling Rainbow Nursery in West London believe will have a ‘devastating’ impact on alertness during afternoon playtime.
In continuing depressing news for toddlers, the Institute for Fiscal Studies suggested it was still ‘quite possible’ that the chancellor would have to make further cuts or otherwise increase nursery productivity in order to meet his target for tackling the deficit – “perhaps the children could manufacture small trinkets to be sold on the international market?”
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