IRAQ – Barack Obama has ordered the return of US troops to Iraq after 550 metric tons of ‘sumptuous’ yellow cake was discovered in areas surrounding Saddam Hussein’s palace, proving he made efforts to pursue advanced culinary techniques in the field of baked goods. Although the end of August saw combat troops leave the country, the president feels it necessary to secure the moist and buttery two layer yellow cake dessert now thought to be located across the country. “I haven’t tasted it myself, but I hear it’s delicious” explained Obama, who stressed troops will be there “just for the cake. Nothing else, this is not a combat mission.” The reversal of troop deployment has excited White House officials who are just glad that any sort of yellow cake was found to justify the conflict. “It turns out Saddam had sweet tooth.” said former Secretary of State Colin Powell, who backed the initial invasion based on no evidence. “I know we all thought we were looking for weapons, but let’s just be grateful we found anything at all otherwise that last seven years could have been an embarrassment.” General David Petraeus will take charge of the ‘Sugar Rush’ strategy aimed at securing Iraq’s vast stores of yellow cake and bringing it back to American soil for mass consumption.
Our correspondent is in Iraq with more.
[Chief Correspondent] Omar, can you put this development into proper context?
[Middle East Correspondent] Well we now know Saddam Hussein was hiding something all those years ago.
[Chief Correspondent] Baked goods?
[Middle East Correspondent] Yes.
[Chief Correspondent] How did intelligence reports mix up uranium yellow cake with actual yellow cake?
[Middle East Correspondent] It’s an easy mistake to make, “yellowcake”, “yellow cake“, it could happen to anyone. He really has only himself to blame for acting so suspicious, and now he’s dead.
[Chief Correspondent] This means we went to war over a dessert?
[Middle East Correspondent] That’s better than lies and deceit. Anyway, this is no ordinary dessert. Independent taste tests have shown it to be the most delicious yellow cake ever.
[Chief Correspondent] We’re hearing up to a million tons of yellow cake could be hidden in Iraq. How did Saddam keep it a secret?
[Middle East Correspondent] We believe his brutal, dictatorial regime was used to hide the cake from ordinary civilians and avoid sharing.
[Chief Correspondent] We’ve already pulled out of the country, is it really worth sending troops back?
[Middle East Correspondent] I had my reservations until I had a bite and–mmmmm! Oh God, mmmmm!
[Chief Correspondent] Are you’re eating some now?
[Middle East Correspondent] They were handing out free samples in the Green Zone–mmmmm, that’s good cake! I would absolutely commit untold atrocities just for another piece.
[Middle East Correspondent] President Obama has been clear, this is not a combat mission.
[Chief Correspondent] But we’re talking about military troops.
[Middle East Correspondent] Yeah.
[Chief Correspondent] With combat training?
[Middle East Correspondent] I suppose.
[Chief Correspondent] And weapons?
[Middle East Correspondent] I guess…but rifles can be used for other things…like mixing cake batter.
[Chief Correspondent] Alright. So what is the mission objective?
[Middle East Correspondent] Very clear. We’re looking at operation “Iraqi Baked Goods”. Troops are tasked with bringing home the yellow cake and training Iraqis to make their own.
[Chief Correspondent] How ready to you think Iraq’s bakeries are to deal with recreating the yellow cake recipe?
[Middle East Correspondent] It’s it will be a struggle. There’s not much of an infrastructure for the production of baked goods.
[Chief Correspondent] Does this change the strategy in Afghanistan at all?
[Middle East Correspondent] Mmmmm–Um, no. We still have no idea what we’re looking for there. But at least here in Iraq, the sacrifice has not been in vein.
[Chief Correspondent] OK. Be sure to bring cake back with you to the studio.
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