SHAOLIN – After years of rapid growth, the Wu Tang Clan have been forced into an unexpected round of job cuts, pushing their unemployment rate past 20%.
Leading member RZA put the move down to ‘harsh economic realities’ in the rap game leading to the departure of Method Man, GZA and Raekwon among others.
RZA confessed they would likely be replaced with cheap, non Staten Island labour who could rap, look tough and also do odd jobs around the 37 chambers for ‘pennies on the dollar’.
‘It’s a recession yo’
“Yeah yeah, like we always say, cash rules everything…and right now it’s saying we gotta make some tough but economically sound business decisions to secure the long-term financial stability of the group son.”
“Being able to rhyme hard in a bomber jacket ain’t the marketable skill it once was.” he added.
It’s unknown exactly how many members are in the Clan but unofficial estimates put the figure between 10 and 37, a problem that has needed to be addressed for some time according to experts. “We’re over-staffed,” admitted RZA. “I’m paying insurance premiums for guys I didn’t even know where in the Wu.”
Streamlining operations
Wall Street hailed the decision, upgrading the group’s rating to ‘Buy’ in support of the downsizing. “It was unrealistic to expect they could go on recruiting in a down economy. They’ll come out of this leaner, and hopefully still just as threatening to middle age white people,” said an analyst at Goldman Sachs.
RZA rejected claims of low morale after the sackings, insisting the demeanour of remaining members should not be read into too much as ‘looking grim was always a critical part of the job.’
Similar austerity measures look set to hit sector-wide, with rumours that Black Eyed Peas’ Will I Am is to be replaced with a more cost-effective Swiss Army Knife strapped to a megaphone.
Leave a Reply