CYPRESS, CA – In an unexpected press conference, Tiger Woods has confirmed rumors he will marry Russian mail order bride Elana Olendzskaia immediately after his divorce from Elin Nordegren is completed.
The move will allow the Woods, 34, to continue cheating on a marriage in a bid to resurrect his career.
“I think this will be a really good purchase” said Woods who has since admitted extramarital affairs have been the key to his success over the past decade.
‘I need to get my game back’
His final-round slump at the World Golf Championships ended a dismal streak which has seen him go seven tournaments without having sex with women other than his wife; the longest drought since turning pro and a situation he is ‘gagging’ to rectify.
With his order only ’10-15 working days’ away, the former champion remains hopeful of a Ryder Cup place.
“I think I can sleep with at least seven women other than my soon-to-be Russian wife before the Ryder Cup. My game should improve dramatically by then…and hopefully my golf will too.”
Experts believe Olendzskaia, purchased during the ‘Blond Bonanza’ sale, will be crucial in Woods’ efforts to overhaul Jack Nicklaus’ record of 18 majors. “He just needs a marriage to cheat on and then we’ll see the best of him again” said pundit Ian O’Connor.
Simple fix
Mrs Olendzskaia says she is excited to help Woods regain his talent by allowing to return to a life of infidelity, but is even more excited to finally be gaining entry to the US.
The move is unlikely to silence critics among black home wreckers, still angry that his mistress list contained only Caucasian golddiggers.
“Why he ain’t cheating with his own people?” questions Shaniqua Davidson who has successfully broken up nine marriages in four years.
“I can break up a marriage better than any of dem skanky bitches”
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