DUBAI, UAE – A tanker damaged while travelling to Japan was found to be the target of a whale terror attack say the United Arab Emirates. A group of whales have already claimed responsibility for the attack as investigators reveal the ‘M Star’ was hit by an explosives-laden manatee in the Persian Gulf in what is the first terrorist attack by sea creatures since Deep Blue Sea and escalates the long running war between Japanese whalers and the whales they gut on a mass scale. “We found manatee remains all over the deck” said a UAE report which also highlighted the groups use of endangered species for suicide bombing missions. The ships owner Mitsui O.S.K had originally played down possible whale involvement saying that it could be a submarine collision, wave or blind shark. But investigators maintained on Thursday that its oil tanker was probably attacked by extremist whales and it was ‘only natural that they would seek retribution from the Japanese’.
Our Correspondent has more on this maritime conflict.
[Chief Correspondent] Vicki, has there been confirmation this was indeed a whale attack?
[Terror Correspondent] There’s no doubt now. We still don’t know how it got there, but pieces of whale DNA were found in amongst the manatee pieces left from the attack.
[Chief Correspondent] That’s a lucky break. So what is the rationale?
[Terror Correspondent] They want to send a clear message to Japan. The current thinking is that it is retribution for Japanese whaling.
[Chief Correspondent] There had to be a reaction and we’re looking at it.
[Terror Correspondent] There has also been an audio tape containing a series of hi pitched squealing. Forensics are translating it now.
[Chief Correspondent] What do you think this whale terror group want?
[Terror Correspondent] I would assume the immediate ceasing of all whaling activities by the Japanese from this point on forward or face further and greater repercussions…just a hunch.
[Chief Correspondent] They probably want to convert everyone to their extremist whale religion too?
[Terror Correspondent] That’s the usual M.O. behind groups like this.
[Chief Correspondent] Are we likely to see more attacks?
[Terror Correspondent] Well we’ve already seen signs of growing agitation, remember the whale that jumped into that ship?
[Chief Correspondent] That was put down as an accident.
[Terror Correspondent] In light of recent events, I think it’s safe to say it was a warning shot. They’re obviously upping their game now.
[Terror Correspondent] You mean al-Qaeda?
[Chief Correspondent] I’m just putting it out there.
[Terror Correspondent] If the Taliban can train monkeys to kill American soldiers….It wouldn’t be crazy to suggest this whale attack could be linked to al-Qaeda.
[Chief Correspondent] Yes, I can see the logic in that. How do we–
[Terror Correspondent] Hold on. I’ve just received an update on the translated tape.
[Chief Correspondent] What does it say?
[Terror Correspondent] “May Poseidon’s peace and blessings be upon our Prophet Free Willy, his companions, and those who followed his course. Our attack was carried out in the name of Trevor The Whale, gutted on a Japanese dock for his lucrative and tasty whale meat. The attack sought to weaken the infidel global order which is thrust unto whale breeding lands and which loots its resources…”
[Chief Correspondent] Well I imagine that–
[Terror Correspondent] Wait, there’s more: “Let the Japanese know that the whale nation will not remain silent after this day on what it is experiencing and what takes place in its seas, and that jihad for the sake of Poseidon today is an obligation on every sea living mammal. May Poseidon’s peace, mercy, and blessings be upon you.”
[Chief Correspondent] I think it’s now safe to assume these whales are in league with al-Qaeda.
[Terror Correspondent] I would not want to be a Japanese whaler when these guys learn to pilot submarines.
[Chief Correspondent] A grim thought indeed. Thanks Vicki.
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