EARTH – The employment of Captain Planet has been terminated with immediate effect after he was found “severely lacking and at times incompetent” in his role as protector of the environment.
Mr Planet is blamed for not doing enough to stop catastrophes such as oil spills in China and the Gulf of Mexico, melting ice caps and most egregiously, failing to take pollution down to zero.
“It reached a point where enough was enough” said the Earth spirit Gaia who stripped him of his captaincy.
“He had one job to do and he simply wasn’t performing.”
Mr Planet, who’s last success came from closing the hole in the Ozone layer, has declined to comment publicly.
It was never the same
The news came as no surprise to his Planeteers who have since been ordered to return their magic rings. Kwame, Wheeler, Linka, Gi and Ma-Ti admit finding it difficult to balance environmental duties with commitments of adulthood.
An unwillingness to replace his team once they past the age at which people stop caring about the environment is being highlighted as another crucial failing.
“He always thought because he had nothing better to do, we didn’t either” recalls Linka, currently seven months pregnant.
“We tried telling him, but Cap wouldn’t listen. He never listened.”
Reports of a major disagreement between Planet and Ma-Ti, now living with his ‘life partner’ in California has strengthened rumors of a split within the group.
However, Planeteer Kwane insisted he would have been there had he knew how bad things had become.
“No one called me!” he said. “I still wore my ring everyday, that sh*t was never over for me.”
As the fallout continues, Mr Planet’s agent denied allegations of substance abuse and revealed his client will bounce back as a male gigolo, adding: ‘chicks really dig that blue look’.
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