UNKNOWN CAVE – A video tape purported to be from Osama bin Laden has called on terror cells across America to go and see the recently released Twilight: Eclipse movie. In the new tape aired on TMZ, Bin Laden stressed that all combatants in the holy war against western devils must take a break from global Jihad and ‘see this movie, like right now.’
“Oh my Allah you guys, it’s even better than the first two. You’ll just explode when you see it.” commented the giddy 9/11 mastermind who went on to list several reasons why Bella and Edward are ‘perfect’ for each other.
The authenticity of the tape is yet to be verified.
Washington-based IntelCenter, who monitor terror group chatter, said the message is an indicator Islamic extremists are ‘desperate’ to see the the third chapter in the Twilight saga. “Ninety percent of chatter has been about Twilight” said an analyst for the firm. It’s thought that groups with suspected links to al-Queda may be have already carried out multiple Twilight parties across the country.
US intelligence officials reacted angrily to the tape, saying Bin Laden’s actions will lead to movie theatres nationwide becoming overloaded with unstable Robert Pattinson fans “We condemn this tape in the strongest possible terms” confirmed Major General Michael Flynn. “Our theatres are already full of dangerously high-pitched teenage girls, if Muslim extremists all go and see it too…we won’t have enough popcorn to cover everyone is what I’m saying.” All major theatres have preemptively raised alert levels to critical.
Bin Laden’s last message was in April when criticising Clash of the Titans for ‘criminal three dimensional effects and one dimensional performances’.
President Obama declined to comment on the tape for fear of losing his place in line for the midnight showing at a local AMC theatre.
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