CAPE TOWN, SOUTH AFRICA – President Jacob Zuma’s government has said they may yet spend the £8 billion expected to come from the tournament on much needed public services instead of building a money fort.
The statement is an attempt to dispel suggestions the World Cup will only help the rich after poorer South Africans voiced concerns that they will see no benefit from the games.
“How are my children to eat? We will not see any improvement from this tournament at all.” said a mother of seven.
Organisers have assured poor locals worried over their livelihood that there is plenty of McDonald’s and Coca-Cola to feed even the poorest.
“They need not worry about such things” said Sports Administrator Daniel Jordaan “There is plenty of food and drink for all. Now, let us enjoy the games huh?”
I spoke to one organiser to find out more.
[Africa Correspondent] I’m glad we could get you here Carl. How are you enjoying South Africa?
[Carl] It’s not bad as developing nations go.
[Africa Correspondent] How exited are you with the tournament just hours away?
[Carl] Oh I don’t watch football.
[Africa Correspondent] Let’s move on then. You’ve been accused of locking out poorer South Africans, making this a tournament for the rich only.
[Carl] I don’t know where that’s come from. We’ve done much to include the local people.
[Africa Correspondent] Could you give any examples?
[Carl] Sure. They built the stadiums, they cooked for us while we made these sponsorship deals…heck, one of them drove me to and from meetings. This is not just a tournament for the rich.
[Africa Correspondent] Then why do you think they’re angry with you?
[Carl] I honestly thought it was a race thing. It apartheid over?
[Africa Correspondent] A number of years ago yes.
[Carl] Then I couldn’t say.
[Africa Correspondent] The people I have spoken to say they are being locked out, you’ve prevented them from making any money.
[Carl] What are you talking about? Did I mention I was driven by a local? I must have paid him at least 5 bucks.
[Africa Correspondent] I think it has more to do with the prevention of poor tradesman from selling their goods by the corporate sponsors you represent.
[Carl] …Would you like a Big Mac?
[Africa Correspondent] Err, I guess.
[Carl] Here you go. McDonald’s really do the best burgers right? So like I was saying. These people don’t understand, no one is being ‘locked out’.
[Africa Correspondent] Then you won’t be enforcing regulation barring local people from selling goods in the vicinity of the stadiums?
[Carl] …Are you a Budweiser man? You look like a Bud man.
[Africa Correspondent] I really shouldn’t. What do you know about the supposed harassment of traders, preventing them selling their goods?
[Carl] Coke it is! Here, get some of that classic taste down your throat.
[Africa Correspondent] Thanks. You’re aware that many poorer South African will be unable to make a living –mmm, that’s good…
[Carl] Let me assure you that we do care. We’re protecting the interests of football fans, not profits.
[Africa Correspondent] How so?
[Carl] There are fans coming from all over to see world class football. They also expect world class brands like McDonald’s and Coke, not cow’s cheek. Did you know these people eat cow’s cheek?
[Africa Correspondent] I heard.
[Carl] Disgusting! I have another burger if you want it?
[Africa Correspondent] No thanks. How do you respond to allegations you’re putting profit over people’s welfare?
[Carl] If anyone is putting profit over the games it’s poor South Africans. They should be less concerned with money and more with supporting Banana Banana.
[Africa Correspondent] You mean Bafana Bafana?
[Carl] Right. You’d think they’d be more accommodating. We’re only here for a month, then they can have their country back…Hey, have you tried out that new Hyundai?
[Africa Correspondent] No. The Santa Fe? How is it?
[Carl] It’s a beast, got one outside brand new. Fresh Continental tyres and a full tank of premium Castrol oil. Outstanding my friend….outstanding. You can take a ride if you like?
[Africa Correspondent] Sure. I was done anyway.
[Carl] Superb…finish that burger though. Can’t have you messing the upholstery.
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