CUBA – Guantanamo Bay, the detention center famous for offering indefinite periods of hospitality and prisoner care has expanded operations and will begin franchising under the ‘Gitmo’ brand. The camp has proven such a success that President Obama has decided to renege on his inauguration promise to close the facility within his first year of presidency. “This will create thousands of jobs over 10 years and benefit small business owners. I can’t believe I was going to shut this place down!”
Gitmo will remain headquartered in Cuba but will open it’s doors to entrepreneurs looking to enter the booming clandestine detention industry by opening their own Gitmo site. “This is a big opportunity to be your own boss in a market that has so much potential.” said James Anderson, who also owns a car battery company. “We’ve only just begun to scratch the surface of prisoner mistreatment.” The first site will open in Afghanistan’s Bagram Air Base after President Obama’s blessing and agreement to receive a 30% cut. “It’s not just the mistreatment, it’s the complete lack of due process. You just can’t get that at any other facility” said Obama.
Local detainees are understandably wary at the announcement. The existence of a Gitmo branded camp could put Bagram’s mom and pop detention centers at risk of closure. “I’ve been going to Bagram for 5 years now for no reason, and the water boarding service is second to none.” said Yaseen Al Mustaqeem “I’m worried Gitmo will lack that personal touch.”
If successful, Gitmo could be expanded beyond designated combat zones into other commercial markets. “Imagine a time when instead of getting a divorce, simply dump your husband at a high street Gitmo store. No questions asked and you can now claim one hundred percent of his money…That’s a hell of a value proposition”.
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