AUGUSTA, GA – Tiger Woods has stunned the golfing world by announcing his retirement from the sport, having only just returned after an ‘indefinite’ break from destroying his marriage. Though not as stunning as his string of affairs, alleged drug misuse or even the revelation that black men could play golf, the news has left people reeling. It comes as an extra shock as Woods has made the cut in his first tournament since his extra marital activities saw the biggest fall from grace since Mel Gibson took an interest in Jewish culture. Woods has yet to give a press conference regarding his decision, but sources close to the golfer have suggested he made the move to save his marriage, citing the many sexual distractions on the course as being too much for him to continue to remain faithful to wife Elin Nordegren. “I can’t concentrate, is it hot out here…I need a moment alone” was Woods’ confusing last words as he left the course at Augusta looking hot, bothered and slightly frustrated.
Our correspondent is at the Masters with more on this less sexy story surrounding the world number one.
Chief Correspondent: Jason, what happened out there? This was supposed to be Tiger’s big comeback.
Sports Correspondent: We all thought so Chief, but it looks like the event proved too much for him.
Chief Correspondent: Do you think playing golf reminded him of the car crash and being chased by his wife?
Sports Correspondent: What? Heck no. This is about sex.
Chief Correspondent: Sex? I don’t understand.
Sports Correspondent: You have to remember that Woods is a sexual predator….if replace innocent children with blond ladies.
Chief Correspondent: That doesn’t make sense. Golf is one of the least sexual sports around?
Sports Correspondent: To well adjusted guys like you an me sure. But to a horny maniac like Woods, this game is rife with sexual innuendo and he can’t afford to slip off the chasity wagon.
Chief Correspondent: How so?
Sports Correspondent: Well, he spends all day pulling out his club to put his balls in a hole…over and over again. Frankly I’m suprised he’s managed to keep his pants on long enough to make the cut.
Chief Correspondent: Oh, I guess that could lead to old habits…
Sports Correspondent: …And have you ever looked at a golf course? The firm hills here at Augusta? Ass. The twin peaks next to the green at the 16th?
Chief Correspondent: I hadn’t thought of that, but the therapy?
Sports Correspondent: That was the clinic. This is the real world and a man can only be reminded of ass for so long until his mind is consumed with it.
Chief Correspondent: When you look at it that way, it seems to be the right call by him.
Sports Correspondent: …And not to mention, some of these fans are hot! I’ve only been here for 5 minutes and already I’m thinking of committing some extra marital–
Chief Correspondent: I got it. So what now for Woods?
Sports Correspondent: Well he remains a competitor, he just needs another sport – one with zero sexual metaphors – for the sake of his wife and kids.
Chief Correspondent: You mean Baseball?
Sports Correspondent: I don’t know. First base, second base? That would likely set him off again. No were looking at something even more boring. Curling maybe…or cricket.
Chief Correspondent: How has the news gone down at the Masters as the tournament is still in progress?
Sports Correspondent: It’s been the same shock felt all arou– Wait, some player are heading towards me. No doubt wanting to give their thoughts on this breaking news.
Unknown Golfer: GET OFF THE GREEN YOU IDIOT!
Sports Correspondent: Err, Looks like I’ll have to sign off here.
Chief Correspondent: Maybe you should. Good report Jason.
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