UPPER MANHATTAN, NY – Chaos has broken out at Maple Fields Retirement Home over months of alleged ill treatment at the hands of the establishment which has lead to the most hostile takeover since the search for WMDs. At least 30 senior citizens have risen up in an attempt to wrestle control of this final resting place, assaulting and overwhelming staff in their search for the manager, Craig Megan. Mr Megan has been blamed for deteriorating conditions at the home and is now at risk of becoming the first home manager to be ousted by his own residents. Police forces arrived on the scene soon after being notified of a possible disturbance by a neighbour, who observed what appeared to be an orderly escaping in a vehicle being chased down by a 87 year old male with a golf club and subsequently assaulted. Residents are believed to have stormed the homes offices soon after ‘group game time’, taking hostages and barricading themselves in the games room.
Our correspondent as more on this dramatic situation.
[Chief Correspondent] Josh, we’re now in the 10th hour of this stand-off at Maple Fields. What’s the situation?
[Crime Correspondent] Yes Chief. What started out as a desperate coup attempt has now turned into a full scale hostage situation.
[Chief Correspondent] What caused the residents to react like this?
[Crime Correspondent] The old folk have long complained about the standard of care at the home. This looks like the inevitable response of oppressed people.
[Chief Correspondent] And these complaints were being ignored?
[Crime Correspondent] Yes, but a little known rule has allowed residents to take control of the home as they felt they had received sub-standard care. This is currently being carried out to the fullest extent.
[Chief Correspondent] How many hostages have been taken Josh?
[Crime Correspondent] The latest information indicates 8…no 11 staff members were in the home at the time the coup took place. Families have been notified.
[Chief Correspondent] What about the manager of the facility?
[Crime Correspondent] You’re referring to a Mr Craig Megan? There has been no word on him as of yet. No one here is holding out any hope.
[Chief Correspondent] What do these old codgers want? Have any demands been made?
[Crime Correspondent] Apparently all they want is a better standard of care, prunes with afternoon meal…and unharnessed air passage to Tijuana.
[Chief Correspondent] Right. And who are police talking to inside?
[Crime Correspondent] Officials have identified the leaders of the group – Arthur and Gladys Smith, known as “The Butchers” of Maple Fields.
[Chief Correspondent] Because of their ruthless nature when dealing with the enemy?
[Crime Correspondent] No…they used to be butchers before retiring…or was it Bakers? In any case, they’ve called the shots thus far.
[Chief Correspondent] What if negotiations fail? Old people are difficult to get through to at the best of times.
[Crime Correspondent] Then forces here will have to find other ways into the facility.
[Crime Correspondent] It could be the best option. Smoking them out has already been tried, but there are too many breathing assistance machines for that to be effective.
[Chief Correspondent] Are there any other non-violent options?
[Crime Correspondent] I’m not sure Chief. Blasting music into the home as also proved ineffective as many resident have long lost the full use of their hearing. Unless negotiation prove successful soon…a full scale breach and assault may be the only option left.
[Chief Correspondent] That could result in a lot of causalities?
[Crime Correspondent] None of these people have very long to go anyway. They knew what they were getting into when they took this action and I don’t think anyone here is under any illusions.
[Chief Correspondent] What could have been done to prevent this Josh? Perhaps management could have been more empathetic to the elderly residents, making them feel more like humans instead of burdens?
[Crime Correspondent] Hmm, No. That’s what they want and we don’t give into the demands of terrorists. Not in this country. Once the SWAT have regained control of the facility, increasing the strength of the medicine should be enough to keep residents subdue–
[Chief Correspondent] What happened?
[Crime Correspondent] I think shots have been fired. Yes, there are shots coming from behind me.
[Chief Correspondent] They’ve begun the assault?
[Crime Correspondent] I think…no, no the shots are coming from inside the building. Inside.
[Chief Correspondent] So there is still time for negotiations?
[Crime Correspondent] Maybe, but the negotiators earlier attempts at reconciliation were rebuffed by the elderly forces inside. Apparently 45 minutes was spent talking with the lead pensioner, Arthur, who went off on a tangent about the good old days when milk was worth two shillings and immigrants stayed on their side of the border.
[Chief Correspondent] Maybe a full scale assault is the only option?
[Crime Correspondent] Yes. The sooner that happens the sooner this situation can be put behind us and go back to ignoring these old timers.
[Chief Correspondent] Couldn’t agree with you more Josh. I think we all have better things to do.
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