In a tragic turn of events this week, the state of California is to switch it’s major export from Hollywood movies to prostitution in a last ditch attempt to tackle a growing budget deficit of $24.3 billion that has lead to a state of fiscal emergency. Governator Schwarzenegger said he was proud that the state was making the tough decisions required, adding: “we now need to lower our morals and begin turning tricks if we are to get out of this crisis”. The move comes after state legislators failed to approve a budget which included cuts in educational spending. State Controller John Chiang has said the failure to meet budget deadlines left him with no choice but to “put the state to the streets”. In addition to serving the debt, any extra capital gained from servicing high class clientele will be used to finance the inevitable drug addiction it will pick up during it time as a streetwalker.
I spoke to our correspondent in California.
[Chief Correspondent] You’re in the Golden State now Jim, can you explain the steps leading to this decision.
[US Correspondent] It’s actually no longer the ‘Golden State’.
[Chief Correspondent] No?
[US Correspondent] No. An executive decision was made to rename to ‘The Red Light State’. A more appropriate moniker given the circumstances.
[Chief Correspondent] Right. So what caused this drastic change?
[US Correspondent] It’s the usual sad story I’m afraid; State lives the high life, overstretches it financial limits. It then finds itself in hardship looking to the only sure fire way to make a quick buck…So sad.
[Chief Correspondent] But there must have been other options?
[US Correspondent] There has been talk about increasing taxes…But that’s not the Republican way. May as well ask them to legalise gay marrige.
[Chief Correspondent] What about the possibility of slashing the education budget? We already know learning wasn’t a priority, why was this not pursued?
[US Correspondent] Well that was first choice, but examination of state financials showed the education budget was already being diverted to subsidise the cosmetic surgery industry.
[Chief Correspondent] That explains so much. What has the reaction from the White House been to this sad situation California now finds itself in?
[US Correspondent] The administration is said to be disappointed that it has come to this but also realistic to the consequences of global economic downturn. Obama himself has pledged some of the remaining TARP funds not yet spent on bank bonuses to give California a head start in the quite literally cutthroat world of hookerism.
[Chief Correspondent] You mean President Obama is on board with this?
[US Correspondent] Oh yeah. He has said he will do everything in his power to help make California the most eligible state on the west coast. Even going as far as to offer his services as the state pimp.
[Chief Correspondent] The situation sounds dire indeed. Could you put into context just how big this debt is?
[US Correspondent] Oh it’s big…looking at current debt levels and adjusting for inflation and interest on the debt, California will have to whore itself out to at least 30 states and be one hell of a performer if you know what I mean. I’m talking legendary here…just anything goes…the nastiest kind of–
[Chief Correspondent] Ahmen, point taken. Have any states shown interest in providing California with business at this stage?
[US Correspondent] There have been enquires from several interest clients as to the type of services on offer. New Jersey has been the mot outspoken in it desire to help California back on it’s feet saying it will show the unfortunate state “a good time”.
[Chief Correspondent] This is a bold move to take. How can official be sure this will work?
[US Correspondent] Well, Schwarzenegger is thorough if not fiscally responsible. He has enlisted some of the world’s best talent to train the state and ensure it receives nothing but top dollar.
[Chief Correspondent] It’s good to hear the proper procedure is being followed. Do we have any timescales on recovery?
[US Correspondent] We should see California back to fiscal stability in a couple years…though it is expected to take longer to recover from the shame.
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