The ongoing scandal over MPs expenses has given official the ideal opportunity to further hone their talents for extreme rationalisation of chronic lapses in judgement and pandering to the public. The drama has shown members of parliament to be masterful artists when it comes to profligacy…their brush being tax payers cash. The actions of one whistle blower have allowed all to marvel at the creative use of claims; from phantom mortgages to furnishing flipped homes to be sold at a profit the public would never see. As a network we can only stand and applaud the effort but others were not impressed, despite embattled MPs constant assurance that everything was in the “spirit of the rules”. As we strive to present the illusion of objectivity, I put aside my admiration and put the public sentiment to a serving member currently caught up in the scandal.
After guarantee of anonymity, we managed to get down to business.
[UK Correspondent] Before we begin, I’m told you don’t want your name in the interview notes?
[Unknown MP] Given the public reaction, I think it’s best I remain anonymous.
[UK Correspondent] Perfectly understandable, but I have to call you something?
[Unknown MP] I think Minister X will suffice.
[UK Correspondent] X for exploitation?
[Unknown MP] Just X.
[UK Correspondent] OK, Minister X it is. Can you understand the criticism you have received over your adjudged misuse of the expenses system?
[Minister X] I think it’s important to remember that while I am truly sorry for being caught. I should have been more discrete but no rules have been broken here.
[UK Correspondent] You don’t think the anger is justified?
[Minister X] John, John. We are in the midst of an economic crisis and we must get back to serving the people who have funded us all these years…it’s only fair.
[UK Correspondent] Yeah…you’re not really answering my question, yes or no?
[Minister X] We need to focus on–
[UK Correspondent] Right, I’m putting you down for a “no”. Moving on. Often when tackling hot button issues we read emails to gauge public sentiment.
[Minister X] …OK.
[UK Correspondent] This first one reads: “This just backs up what I thought of MPs. This abhorrent abuse of the system violates the trust of the people that voted and shows you and your kind to be nothing but a bunch of self serving, exploitational bastards and”— err, actually, it gets a little raw after this.
[Minister X] Maybe we should try another?
[UK Correspondent] It’s probably best. This one says; “I live on £120 a week, pay my taxes and am disgusted! The fact that these people are able to subsidise their personal lives with our hard earned money is criminal and those guilty should be prosecuted as such”. £120 a week!? I bet you claim more than that for light bulbs?
[Minister X] …I have a large home, it gets dark.
[UK Correspondent] I actually have a list of your claims here. You have a chance to defend yourself.
[Minister X] I think you’ll find I am as straight as they come.
[UK Correspondent] One that immediately jumped out was £2,000 for maintenance of the moat at your county estate. Now some may argue that there is no place for a medieval defence system in 21st century Britain, but I’m sure you have a good reason for it’s upkeep at tax payers expense?
[Minister X] Of course.
[UK Correspondent] And…
[Minister X] Huh?
[UK Correspondent] The reason?
[Minister X] I told you I have a good reason. There’s no need to crawl through every minutia of my claims.
[UK Correspondent] You also claimed £50,000 for a mortgage while your spouse – let’s say, Minister Y – claimed on the same house. Can you explain?
[Minister X] That is an entirely separate matter. What a man and his wife do together in their first and or second home is private.
[UK Correspondent] Even if they are public servants allegedly colluding to defraud the public?
[Minister X] Yes, those actions are protected by the sanctity of marriage.
[UK Correspondent] What about flipping your home, do you have any views on that matter?
[Minister X] …Is it on your list?
[UK Correspondent] Should it be?
[Minister X] Err…no, no. Of course not. No comment.
[UK Correspondent] Right. A number of your colleagues have already resigned their positions as MPs. Have you considered quitting?
[Minister X] Not at all.
[UK Correspondent] You don’t feel your actions have undermined your position as a person of judgement, morals or authority?
[Minister X] I feel as though the media has overblown this situation John. The very fact that my indiscretions were strewn across tabloids demonstrates the lack of respect to privacy.
[UK Correspondent] But you’re public servants?
[Minister X] And we tried hard to keep this out of the public domain. I didn’t even submit receipts for half my claims, so how did they know John? No respect at all.
[UK Correspondent] How do you plan on restoring the confidence so utterly violated by endemic abuse of public money?
[Minister X] The system clearly needs changing John, that’s what people what to hear. I’ve been using it for 10 of the best years of my life so I know what I am saying. We need change.
[UK Correspondent] You had the chance to change the system when reforms were debated in parliament. Why did you vote no?
[Minister X] Err…those changes weren’t…changey enough. We need much more generic and rhetorical changes if we are to regain public trust.
[UK Correspondent] What about paying back the money back that you have claimed as some of your peers have done as an empty symbolic gesture in a vain attempt to appease a riled populace?
[Minister X] Exactly, and I have already sent the Inland Revenue a cheque for £102.11.
[UK Correspondent] Is that an admission of wrong doing? You said earlier you had acted within the rules.
[Minister X] It’s not a question of wrong doing…I just want to get people off my back.
[UK Correspondent] So you feel no regret? Not even when facing your constituency knowing their hard earn money has financed your frivolous lifestyle? You’ve never considered it…maybe whilst laying awake at night?
[Minister X] Look John. I’m truly sorry I was caught but there is no regret and no need to step down at this time.
[UK Correspondent] Will you wait until a general election so you can claim you £65,000 golden goodbye?
[Minister X] You know what John? I know what you’re doing here. I work hard MP’ing for almost half the year and I don’t deserve to be depicted as some out of touch elitist manipulating a system for his own gain…That’s so far off it’s laughable.
[UK Correspondent] I’m sorry you feel that way. I thought we were making good progress in clearing your image.
[Minister X] No, I’m leaving. Now, my car’s parked outside so could I get a receipt for the…Actually, never mind.
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