President Barack Hussein Obama reignited questions regarding his background during an interview with CNBC’s John Harwood when he executed a fly with deadly accuracy. Observers commented that such a display of speed and skill could only have come from ninja training,confirming rumors that Barack Hussein Obama…is a secret ninja. Conservative groups are once again raving that President Obama will attempt to usurp Christian pillars of morality with ninja influences such as peace, self improvement and being able to strike a man dead with your pinkie finger. We sought to investigate these claims by sending our correspondent to the ninja school where Barack Hussein Obama allegedly studied the ways of Ninjutsu a child.
[Chief Editor] Jason, are you in the ninja school?
[US Correspondent] No. I’m standing just outside the school where Barack Obama was a student for 5 years.
[Chief Editor] These claims have been denied by Obama several times. Can we be sure he is really a ninja?
[US Correspondent] Did you see the tape? He clearly hasn’t forgotten any of that ninja training.
[Chief Editor] Can you put into context just how much ninja skill was demonstrated here?
[US Correspondent] Let me put it this way…It took Mr Miyagi an entire montage to teach Daniel karate…This guy killed a fly with one strike!
[Chief Editor] So what evidence have you manged uncover towards the legitimacy of these new claims?
[US Correspondent] I have made numerous attempts to engage the residents in conversation but they have been as silent as they are deadly and wise.
[Chief Editor] Could this be an attempt to silence the truth of these findings?
[US Correspondent] I can only assume that’s the case. One resident told me “We don’t know anyone named Obama. Your continued presence disgraces the sanctity of our monastery, please leave now”…It’s like they don’t know why I’m here. These guys are good.
[Chief Editor] Ninjas are known for secrecy. So you haven’t been able to get any new information?
[US Correspondent] Not quite. Earlier I managed to sneak into the “Holy Room” to look for evidence of President Obama’s presence…
[Chief Editor] What did you find?
[US Correspondent] Nothing, but apparently I violated their most spiritual area. Long story short…I don’t remember the last 20 minutes, my head hurts and I now need to find another way in.
[Chief Editor] Could it be possible that Obama isn’t a ninja? Maybe we’re making more of this incident to fill time in our 24 hour news cycle?
[US Correspondent] No way. Look, the fact is that both Obama’s father and step father were confirmed ninjas and he himself has talked about the need to reach out to ninjas. This fly incident is real news.
[Chief Editor] Many people have aggressively spoken out against the Presidents ninja ties. Could this rip the country apart?
[US Correspondent] Well call me a liberal, but I think a ninja president could be good for America.
[Chief Editor] How so?
[US Correspondent] Think what we could achieve with a ninja in charge. All problems would be solved in the dead of night by executions instead of talk and–OK, so maybe things won’t change that much, but it would still be cool.
[Chief Editor] So now that the president’s true origins have been confirmed, what is the next step for America?
[US Correspondent] I would love to answer that…but these guys are moving in on me…and they look angry.
Leave a Reply