I’m writing up this report wearing nothing but underwear. The reason? It’s laundry day and I have nothing else to wear. But skyrocketing temperatures will ensure that wearing only underwear will become necessity and not just a comfortable way to spent an afternoon. Only extreme measures will do to tackle global warming and I don’t mean changing light bulbs. I’m talking grand, sweeping gestures that will send us heading back towards the dark ages safe in the knowledge that we would have prevented the inevitable destruction of our planet. There is no time for scepticism or rational thought. We must act now or face untold, catastrophic consequences.
I spoke with Dr. John Clifford to discuss the coming apocalypse.
[Environmental Correspondent] Thank you for joining me Dr. Clifford?
[Dr. Clifford] It’s no problem.
[Environmental Correspondent] Before we get into this, will you be joining the panel after the interview?
[Dr. Clifford] What panel?
[Environmental Correspondent] The network is hosting a global warming panel – “Global Warming: Act Now Think Later” – on the need to reverse human development to combat the problem.
[Dr. Clifford] Um, no. I don’t think I’ll be attending.
[Environmental Correspondent] Are you sure?
[Dr. Clifford] I’m not too concerned about the issue.
[Environmental Correspondent] So on a scale of 8 to 10, 8 being “very concerned” and 10 being “Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!”, how concerned are you?
[Dr. Clifford] What happened to 1 through 7?
[Environmental Correspondent] Oh we’re way beyond any sort of rational scale here. Global warming has wreaked havoc for too long now.
[Dr. Clifford] You might be reading too much into media hype there.
[Environmental Correspondent] Christ! You are one of those delusional scientists that doesn’t believe in global warming? I was afraid of this.
[Dr. Clifford] I am perfectly within my right to disagree with the accepted theory. The research I conducted while still at the Grove Institute for Science showed global warming to be a non issue.
[Environmental Correspondent] But you’re not at the institute anymore?
[Dr. Clifford] That’s right. My latest research paper questioned the accepted theory and threatened our governmental funding. I was asked to leave.
[Environmental Correspondent] Maybe you were fired for incompetence?
[Dr. Clifford] I presented another side that continues to be supressed. There are those that are stifling debate by declaring the global warming case closed.
[Environmental Correspondent] Speaking of debatable, why don’t we take a look the research in question?
[Dr. Clifford] How did you get hold of my work?
[Environmental Correspondent] Same place I get all my journalistic preparation. Wikipedia.
[Dr. Clifford] Well, at least you read it. My team and I worked extremely hard on it. It represents years of eff–
[Environmental Correspondent] Oh, I didn’t actually read all of it. I skimmed some pages but decided to watch An Inconvenient Truth instead. It’s was a lot more interesting.
[Dr. Clifford] OK…
[Environmental Correspondent] I did skim enough to know you made no sense. Like this idea about CO2 not having an effect on climate…that’s a joke right? You must know that man-made CO2 is destroying the planet.
[Dr. Clifford] Not at all. CO2 is a green house gas yes, but it represents such a tiny proportion of greenhouse gases of which man-made CO2 is an even smaller component. It’s unrealistic to think it can have such an effect on the Earth’s climate.
[Environmental Correspondent] You’re thinking about this all wrong. Say you’re injected with a “tiny proportion” of bird flu. You would become appallingly sick before succumbing to the disease , dying a horrible and painful death. It’s the same thing with climate and CO2.
[Dr. Clifford] Is such an analogy necessary!?
[Environmental Correspondent] Not really, but I find the use of shock scenarios quite effective in getting my point across.
[Dr. Clifford] It’s tactics like this that have caused unnecessary concern in the nation. The doomsday projections that scientists continue to create are ludicrous. We can’t even reliably predict the weather a month in advance and yet we have forecasts for disaster conditions decades from now.
[Environmental Correspondent] What don’t you get? It’s a testament to the devastating effect of CO2 that we can see that far into the future with such reliable accuracy. Both the IPCC and Al Gore have confirmed the dire situation we’re in.
[Dr. Clifford] The IPCC does not represent every scientist. Many have not even read the entire report and an even larger number have publicly disagreed with the theories put forward.
[Environmental Correspondent] Theories? I think you meant conclusive and infallible proof. It’s only a matter of time until we are fighting over every drop of water like savages in a Mad Max style wasteland of high temperatures and low fashion sense.
[Dr. Clifford] That scenario is pure fantasy and typical of the tactics to keep people in fear. As for Al Gore, he is by no means a credible source of scientific discussion.
[Environmental Correspondent] Um Al Gore has a movie, Nobel Peace Prize, Oscar and a Grammy. He has more credibility than Mother Teresa right now. What do you have?
[Dr. Clifford] Mountains of solid, objective research not funded by political agenda or those who stand to become very rich from global warming hysteria. It is a dangerous precedent to allow someone with no scientific background, a politician who has come from a world of endemic deceit to dictate scientific policy based on suspect facts.
[Environmental Correspondent] I think someone is jealous their report wasn’t more exciting. I mean seriously, have you read this?
[Dr. Clifford] …Yes!
[Environmental Correspondent] Oh, right. Then you can explain this sacrilege about…”warming and cooling cycles” as so called “evidence” that CO2 has little effect on climate. Even George Bush came to understand the dangers of man-made CO2…eventually.
[Dr. Clifford] Our research showed the natural warming and cooling cycles of the Earth precedes rises in CO2. levels This period of warming is nothing out of the ordinary. 2008 saw the coolest winter this decade and we’ve seen some of the coldest winters all across the globe, 2009 has followed suit. The truth is we are entering a period of cooling which will show anthropomorphic global warming to be a fallacy.
[Environmental Correspondent] Anthropowhatnow?
[Dr. Clifford] Anthropomorphic. The idea that human activity is responsible for drastic and irreversible changes in the planet climate. I for one will not be ill-informed lifestyle changes based on quasi-science and media hysteria.
[Environmental Correspondent] …And how will you sleep at night knowing your misguided inaction leads to the extinction of entire species and irreversible damage to our entire civilisation when mother nature exacts her vengeance for decades of abuse brought on by our industrialised way of life? I would invest in some soap if I were you.
[Dr. Clifford] Huh?
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br /> [Environmental Correspondent] To wash the blood from your hands.
[Dr. Clifford] Oh come now. I must say your reaction to this has been rather overblown.
[Environmental Correspondent] And your attempts to rationalise your part in the destruction of the human race have been fanciful at best. No global warming? Heating and cooling cycles? Your report is about as fanciful and a children’s novel.
[Dr. Clifford] It’s no fantasy. Our climate is dictated by cycles of the sun and sun spot activity. This is the way it has always been and minuscule increases in CO2 levels are simply not enough to change that fact.
[Environmental Correspondent] What a load of–The sun? The sun!? It’s like a bajillion light years away. How could it possibly affect our climate? You just don’t stop do you?
[Dr. Clifford] I’m aware of it’s relative distance. It is basic science fact that the sun is the biggest driver of our climate.
[Environmental Correspondent] So why didn’t Al Gore mention it?
[Dr. Clifford] Forgetaboutalgore! He is nothing more than a fear monger employing scare tactics to line his own pockets!
[Environmental Correspondent] Heretic! I mean…let’s take a break before one of us says or does something the other will regret.
[Dr. Clifford] We agree on something at last.
[Environmental Correspondent] Right, join us after the break where we will be continuing this…stimulating debate on global warming.
[To be continued]
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