Despite the best efforts of leaders across the globe, the western world remains in the tight grip of a recession. This grip is unlike the secure grip of a mother holding onto a cherished child, and more like the suffocating grip of a homeless person clinging to his last penny. We have tried everything to escape from this unforeseen situation; from paying off debt with more debt, to giving banks billions…giving them more billions, adding trillions into nation debt . None of these rational solutions have worked so far. There has to be another solution and who better to help get us out than those that got us in it?
I spoke with William Prescott, economic advisor to the White House.
[Business Correspondent] Good evening William, glad you have you here. This should be an informative interview.
[William] It’s a pleasure. It will be nice to clear up misconceptions surrounding this dreadful economic situation.
[Business Correspondent] Sounds good. I was told you arrived from out of state. No troubles I hope?
[William] None at all. I took the G5.
[Business Correspondent] G5?…you have your own plane?
[William] It helps avoid the troubles of common transport.
[Business Correspondent] Do you think I could take a look later?
[William] Maybe.
[Business Correspondent] Sweet! Um, right. You’ve previously worked in finance and are now advising the current administration on plans for the continuous bailout funds.
[William] That’s correct. I worked on Wall Street for a number of years and oversaw saw some fantastic profits…excluding the last couple of years.
[Business Correspondent] What happened?
[William] Irregularities in management caused some unforeseen dips in profitability. I and my partners managed to get out largely unscathed, but other less informed individuals didn’t make it.
[Business Correspondent] People lost their jobs due to this mis-management?
[William] Some would say, but these things happen. It’s the cyclical nature of the economy we have created. Some just weren’t prepared for the inevitable.
[Business Correspondent] Much criticism has fallen on both the government and the banking industry for not getting money to people who need it most. The accusation has been made that funds are being hoarded by the people that caused the crisis. Your thoughts?
[William] These people are not aware of the trickle down effect. The money will get to them eventually, all that is required is patience. Recovery must begin at the top, then what is left will eventually find its way to the rest of the nation.
[Business Correspondent] We’ve actually had a number of letters regarding the situation. We like to give the impression of empathy so I’ll read a couple out to you…but don’t feel obliged to answer or anything.
[William] Shoot.
[Business Correspondent] Right. Well the first is pretty standard stuff. “I lost my job”, blah blah “Struggling to provide for my family” blah blah blah, you know the deal. It then goes on to say “Why is it that AIG who have been among the biggest recipients of tax payer money have seen fit to pay out $165m in bonuses to the same people who helped caused this crisis. How are these crooks allowed to get away with this!? I think these bastards should be held accountable in a court of law. This never would have happened under Reagan”.
[William] Well, what we have is a misunderstanding of the workings of the financial system. These bonuses, sorry, “retention awards” are a tool used to keep the best and brightest talent within the industry. Without such tools we would lose out to other areas like social services, health or – god forbid – education. Such a waste.
[Business Correspondent] Good point. We have another letter if you would like to hear it.
[William] Go ahead.
[Business Correspondent] Ok. “I’m an average working Joe, or at least I used use to work. I have seen wages remain stagnant since the 70’s while directors get richer and politicians do nothing. I was recently made redundant from my job at the box factory and replaced by an Indian kid named Vickram as part of cost cutting measures. With no immediate income I will find it harder to provide for my family. I think it’s despicable what these bankers are doing to the economy and if I ever come face to face with one they’ll know the meaning of ‘abrupt market correction’. Yours truly, Joe”.
[William] Your typical angry reaction. You see, people are looking for answers to those hard questions like “What do you mean I’m being made redundant” or “Who are you and why are you taking my home?”. This uncertainty leads to anger and the need to vent at the people with more money than them so it’s only natural.
[Business Correspondent] Yeah, this Joe seems to think people like you are somehow responsible for their own situation. There are a lot of delusional people out there…Now let’s talk about the G5.
[William] Before that, I’d just like to address Joe and others like him. What you don’t realise is that the financial sector is so integral to your own lives that you can’t do without it, we–they won’t let you. The sad thing is your anger only serves as a smoke screen, hiding the real causes of the economic malaise.
[Business Correspondent] Maybe you could sum it up for the Joes out there? Then we can get to the G5.
[William] Gladly. Over the last couple of decades we have seen a boom in housing which has been fuelled by people aggressively seeking mortgages to acquire houses that they could never afford. Coupled with the frivolous spending on needles consumer items and you can see how we have arrived at the terrible juncture.
[Business Correspondent] So it’s really the fault of irresponsible home buyers trying to house their families?
[William] Correct. This is what the small print is for. If they had taken the time to properly read the details of what they were getting themselves into they would have known that there was no way they could afford the terms. There is no need to lash out at financial institutions one has no comprehension of.
[Business Correspondent] One option that has been discussed is giving money directly to the home owners, enabling them to stay in their houses, soften the blow that foreclosures bring?
[William] Don’t be stupid, that’s socialism. You want to end up like Cuba?
[Business Correspondent] I guess not, but the argument is that the government is throwing large sums of money to banks with no apparent thought to how any of it will be used.
[William] Yes, well. That may be how it looks to the uninitiated. But I can assure you that these funds are being used to the benefit of all concerned. We have strived for transparency in all our dealings…where appropriate.
[Business Correspondent] What about the $2 trillion dollars that was recently given to international bankers?
[William] Oh…you knew about that?
[Business Correspondent] Err, yes. Was I not supposed to? I can forget if you like.
[William] No, it’s not that. It’s just…well there were plans for that allocation that were to remain secret until their execution.
[Business Correspondent] So that is why the Federal Reserve refused to give the names of these institutions when questioned in Congress?
[William] Partially. We have been working for some time on an innovative plan to secure the operation of the financial system while giving the tax payer value for money.
[Business Correspondent] And what is this plan? I mean, we’re clearly talking something special here. It would have to provide a better chance of success than previous attempts at recovery, namely giving billions to failing banks.
[William] Yes.
[Business Correspondent] And would almost guarantee to pay the tax payer back and secure these same failing banks simultaneously?
[William] That’s right.
[Business Correspondent] If I did know better, I’d say you plan on winning the lottery, or playing a casino. But that would be crazy.
[William] …Not as crazy as you’d think.
[Business Correspondent] I’m sorry, you’re going to use the money to play the lottery?
[William] Of course not, that would be crazy. No, we plan to utilise the $2 trillion in a global effort to win at casinos across the world known as the Worldwide Asset Strategy for Troubled Economies…or W.A.S.T.E for short.
[Business Correspondent] Sounds a little risky?
[William] Our investigations have found that this avenue of approach will provide the best chances of success than any measure attempted thus far. Using multiple casinos will spread and therefore negate the obvious risks. For example, betting on black in Roulette would provide odds of 35 to 1 on a single number. This risk spread across multiple casinos would reduce that risk by a factor of between 5 and 10 times the original. Now when you factor in other games such as blackjack and poker, those risks get reduced even further. Once we succeed at one casino, the winnings will be leveraged at 20 to 1 and propagated to casinos worldwide to maximise profits with losses minimised by taking advantage of exchange rate fluctuations and local tax laws. I’m sure you understand the potential here.
[Business Correspondent] Oh, I do…But some people watching may not have followed anything you just said about the odds and the winnings and feel this is a step too far.
[William] Not only would this plan would provide multiple times return on investment, it would avoid the increase in budget deficit causes by borrowing money from the Fed or China. It will also avoid hyper inflationary effect of printing money. This plan is too big to fail…We can just use more tax payer money until it succeeds, there’s plenty to spare.
[Business Correspondent] And the President has signed off on this?
[William] My team has the authority to execute any method of recovery we deem suitable. The President was otherwise engaged at the time of deliberation…something about seeing “Earth Wind and Fire”? I assumed it was code for a military operation I was not privy to.
[Business Correspondent] And how do you expect to apportion any profit from this scheme?
[William] Well most of the returns are earmarked for crucial projects and tax cuts. What is left will go to the people that really need it, the banks. Then the rest will trickled down to the common people to spend on their TVs and other consumer items.
[Business Correspondent] I still can’t help thinking that your plan will receive criticism from some quarters. I can see why you kept it quiet.
[William] Why don’t you accompany me to Vegas to see first hand that the money is being spent responsibly. You can ride in the G5?
[Business Correspondent] I just think that we owe it in some way to uphold the sentiment that the public have shown in such–Did you say I could ride in the G5?
[William] Yep.
[Business Correspondent] Wow…Ok, well I guess I can provide transparency and ease the minds of the public by going. When do we leave?
[William] As soon as the interview is done.
[Business Correspondent] Then it’s done. Well, it looks like the economic forecast is about to pick up. Vegas here we come!
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